you've still got your words, and you've got your friends.

there have been many people to come in and out of my life-

friends in classes, friends of friends, and people younger than me. ex-boyfriends, step family; people who i thought i'd love forever. people who i work with, people older than me, people whose love created me, people who i will love forever.

these connections that we've made will either grow stronger, or fade into a past- ours, or theirs. although love isn't necessarily tangible, it has the strongest influence over us- it stays with us and changes us. the second strongest influence on my own life, is music.

for me, songs and their movement do the job closest to perfect in making love tangible.

while my heart grows with each connection that i make, so does my music library.

to be the girl who knows every song that comes on is a blessing, and the reason why is this:

the songs that i know, i know because i heard them at a concert or on the radio, and their sentiment struck me for long enough that i invested my emotion to it.

OR, because someone in my life played it for me.

i can connect to the people who've moved through my life on a random afternoon, on any given radio station. i can find a way to my heart through lyrics in a song that explain my own love.. that i didn't have the words for.

i can feel my grandfather with me as i sing an old Irish song, and can bring him to my family when they need his comfort.

i am reminded of my mother's happiness in her wedding song, and remember that love is possible at any time.

i can note my youth and the places that have built me in multiple genres.

'punk' music puts me in a room with writing on the walls and pink hair,

and Elton, Billy, and Boston put me in the backseat while my father drives, turning the radio down sporadically so that he can hear me singing.

country music puts me at a homecoming game in a cheerleading uniform, on horseback at sunset with a blue-eyed brunette leading the way, and into the passenger seat drinking beer with a boy who taught me about heartbreak and friendship on old back roads.

the all-american rejects sing for my own siblings, and jason mraz to my soul siblings. Conor Oberst showed my best friend her heart, and gave us a second chance.

last month, i stopped dissing Moby, and found freedom and a new song for my own heart.

these songs and people make up my ever-expanding music library, and heart.

every decade is a new volume, every year is a new album, and every day is a new song.

this month, every love song is Ours.

just keep chasing pavements.

you get lost and end up on a dead-end back road. what happens next?

a couple of things are possible.

a. someone walks out of the woods and up to your car, and hands you a map.

b. you drive to the nearest gas station, and ask where you should go from your current position.

c. you get out of your car, kick the non-functioning blue door on the passenger side, and scream at the top of your lungs.

since choice A almost never happens, and C is almost completely ineffective, we'll explore choice B.

you know the manual that comes with your car, television remote, or cellphone?

you lost it- and my guess is that you only miss 'the manual' when your gadget breaks or malfunctions.

the bad news about us, as people..is this:

we never had a manual. there aren't any directions for when we are lost, confused, or have a broken heart.

when we feel like throwing our hands up because there isn't a set answer on where to go from where WE are, we should recognize this, the good news:

the good news is this:

we never had a manual. there aren't any directions for when we are lost, confused, or have a broken heart.

you'll notice that the bad news here is quite similar to the good. the reason?

it's true.

we Do have a path to follow, but that path is one onto which we lay the cement as we move across it. this means that we can always create a new way, no matter how lost we end up.

we have friends, lovers, parents, siblings, and acquaintances who help us through the moments where we are lost. connections from person to person allow us to each share our views, fears, hopes, and experiences. born with a guide? no. but the guide that we help each other write is specific to us, and the worth of this is immeasurable.

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes...

there is no talking to a broken heart.

and that's what you are when you have one-

not a person, not right now.

you Are...a broken heart.

we feel as though we have failed. and words, those are failing too. but we hear the sad songs, and we feel them pull every last tear from our eyes, and from our hearts.

on a sunny day when you've already made it through the hard parts, with just enough time to think about all of the things you have been too busy to think about for months, you realize that you're still missing a defining piece of you- the part that someone else took. while this Is something that will shape you, i've also found that no matter how strong we get, and no matter how many battles we lose and grow from...we will always be able to feel the once-new and alive spot inside of us, for each love that we've lost. we will get new jobs, we will meet other people. we will even date other people. but in the long list of names that each of us have inserted into the stories of our youth (some for a few months, some for a couple of years), there will be one or two that are especially hard to replace with someone else's.

what's harder, is when those lovers replace Your name..and you don't 'wish them the best.' what you wish, is that you were experiencing 'the best' along side of them. and sometimes, it's 'for the best.' we all have to understand that 'the best' is not around the corner. sometimes, it's not even a year away.

at sunset, i imagine the light coming through the trees on your road. when i notice my tail lights in the rear-view mirror, i imagine them against the siding of your house as i back into the driveway. and on a rainy morning, i think of a lime green curtain that masks the gray outside.

and so much in the time of heartbreak is just that-

a happy mask over the hopeless faces of the people who are begging, and rushing, and struggling to put themselves back together; a blanket over the heads of the broken hearts who can't get out of bed.

sometimes, we quickly gain the tools to start our lives again. but the willingness to start again does not mean that we get to skip the time; it does not mean that we can skip the grief.

all that we can hope for is that someday, love, as big as this one that broke us so deeply, comes along again-

even bigger this time, and able to take more away from us--

but won't.

and if you have a minute, why don't we go?

"when you drink the water, remember the spring."-Chinese proverb.

as you go through each and every day, do you process the people that you encounter? the sky above your head? do you take the time to witness each miracle?

well, as far as each and every day is concerned, the answer is probably 'no'. we are all guilty of being taken by the stress of our lives: financial concerns, turmoil in our relationships, the obsession with becoming who we are expected to be. while this processed and robotic habit is the norm, sometimes in life we each experience an overwhelming glimpse of light where every beautiful moment is noticed. in a fleeting summer, a deep pink sunset can sum up the day, and also, your life.

we take such great notice in those things that sadden and delay us, but why? we are still standing today. we still smile, and laugh, and continue on with our lives and responsibilities...and the reason why? daily miracles.

our cousins have babies, and someone makes us laugh until we can't breathe.

our siblings get promoted.

people become friends that we 'need', instead of just friends that we 'have'.

our best friends get engaged, and our loved ones return home from overseas.

after a really long day, your cell phone dies...and you get to be where you are.

we fall in love.

promises are kept, the power goes out, we see by candlelight. we make new friends.

the sun rises over the ocean, a stranger says hello.

someone lets you know in one way or another, "you matter."

you feel the love of a family, you spend enough time outside to get a sunburn.

you clink glasses with an old friend, someone kisses your cheek.

you get to do it all over again tomorrow.

if in a day you've smiled, if in a day you've felt love, luck, or beauty-

you've been given your miracle.

it's a common double-standard of society...

listen up ladies:

it's all your fault. you NEVER follow directions.

if you would, for once,

just follow these few short guidelines...

(a.) if you like a guy, make sure you pretend that you don't.

(2.) if you're dating a guy, make sure that you only use phrases like "sure," "that's fine," and "no, of course i don't mind that you keep your ex-girlfriend's nude picture by your bed."

(b.) if you date a guy whose overseas ex-girlfriend is coming for a month-long visit to the states to see him, you should assume that he definitely won't sleep with her in this period of time; it's totally normal to go on holiday with your ex while you are seeing someone else.

(g.) if a guy tells you that he's interested and can't wait to see you again, he has clearly stated that he's unsure of what he wants, and by pursuing him you are being completely apathetic to his vulnerable state. you need to be a little bit more considerate and do what he wants when HE is ready.

(7.) when texting a guy, even if he's YOUR guy, make sure that you don't text him unless he texts you first (and even if he does send you that first text, remember that you're annoying and clingy if you dare text him in the next week).

(24.) if a guy smokes a lot, drinks a lot, gambles a lot, or is obsessed with internet porn...you should really not bitch at him or have any type of concern, you're clearly neurotic and unfit to be a decent girlfriend.

(9b.) if your boyfriend tells you that your relationship has to be a secret, you should just trust him; he's totally in love with you and is probably in the FBI- you could blow his cover if you say anything sweet to him in front of others.

(64.) if a guy invites you to watch a movie at his parents house, and they come home in the middle of said movie and he shoves you into his laundry closet, you should really stop freaking out. this is NOT shady at ALL. this happens a lot...and your little claustrophobia episode sort of ruins the first-date excitement.

(c.) if a guy you are intimate with will not kiss you on the lips because he doesn't want you to get attached, you should really stop being so mad at him. instead, thank him! he is SO sweet to realize how much easier it makes things for you to keep sleeping with you and not kiss you.

(q.) if you find an article of women's clothing in your man's apartment and it isn't yours, and he says it belongs to his sister- well, obviously! it is normal for a girl to leave her bra in her brother's room! who are you to be judgmental of the upstate way of life?

i promise, you'll hate me for it later.

so

WAKE. UP.

you're gonna find 100 of these boys, but that's how you'll know when you've found a good man. this frat-boy bullshit will be a distant memory. wait for it, it'll happen.

what it means to be the girl who changed her mind, and changed her world:

we all do it.

whether silently, or kicking and screaming, crying and pleading...

we all suffer through the phases of heartbreak.

and suffer we may, however, the heartbreaks we endure are probably what help propel us most into who we become. our strength, our judgment, our love for ourselves- these are the things that we lay on the line when we give ourselves to another person, and they are also what we take from the people we are with.

we love many people in our lives, and we love them in different ways. we love our mothers and our brothers, our friends, sisters, and fathers. every pair is connected differently; we are related biologically or by commonality. the people in our families are woven into our lives without a choice- the way that we mold those relationships is solely up to us. relationships with friends and lovers must also be shaped, and without any background other than an intangible connection felt between two people. these relationships are the foundation for who we are, and who we are is ever-changing. we take pieces of each other and we are constantly blended into someone a little bit different each day. though we may break up, lose touch, or move on, what we take from each other remains...this is why heartbreak hurts. the reflection of yourself that you see is a reminder of the places you have been, the people you have been with, and YOU are the result of both of those things.

as we get older and change with the days, we learn how to cope just a little bit better every time. heartbreaks are different, so the hurt never feels any better, but what i have found is the amazing opportunity to recognize the moment where i see today's reflection- the new reflection that is a result of my "past." while a "past" is noted as a complete body of time, i've noticed that when we as individuals reference our past, we aren't referencing the whole thing, but the part that has most recently contributed to our near-future...from yesterday...until tomorrow.

we ask everyone else for instruction on how to proceed, how to get over it, and how to love again...but these questions can only be answered by one person- You. and the reason why? no one knows better than you that this isn't the first time, and it won't be the last. and no one Should know better than you, that love doesn't run out- you once again, have all of your own. and remember this, always: remember that your love is to share...not to give away.

she can't be convicted, she has earned her degree...

"so, are you in school?"

"how's school going?"

at 22, every 'catch-up' conversation i have seems to start out with one of these two questions. smile, say it's going well, subject change.

why?

because if you are college-educated, you are lucky. but guess what? if you are college-educated, you've also started digging yourself a hole. if you come out with a degree to work in the field that you love- that's phenomenal. if you're still digging and unsure...that's another story. you end up with unpaid loans and only two options- start paying, or stick it out...which could mean years of classroom discussions on topics that put you to sleep.

in our society, what has been deemed as "normal" is to go to college after high school...and if you're not going to a college or vocational school, you'd say you're just "taking a year off," as if you have to make some kind of excuse. why IS this? have we allowed ourselves to explore our OWN vision of what we want for our lives? think about it. did you ever feel that there was any other option, or did you just start looking for colleges along with everyone else? because that's what i did. but now it's becoming much clearer. i wouldn't call someone else to find out what i wanted for breakfast tomorrow morning, so why would i follow someone else's plan for the next four years (or five...or six) without consulting...ME? because college...is just what you do.

i am not (by ANY means) ridiculing an individual who happily pursues their further education. if you know what you want, and you are passionate about it, TAKE it. learn every single bit of information on the craft- practice it, love it, and love your life and your work.

i am, however, thoroughly disappointed. because for me, school is the one area in my life where i simply go through the motions. i love to learn, but i do not love What i am learning. unconventional as it may be, i want to learn about Life. literally. the only way to do that though? live it.

i am musician, i am a psychologist, i am not afraid to get my hands dirty, i am not above anything that could broaden my world view--or the understanding of the people in it. mainly i want to figure out this: why doesn't anyone ever ask "ARE you going to college?," instead of "WHERE are you going to college?" because if i could do it all over again, i would probably make no apology as i spent my mornings running, lived in a apartment with cheap rent, and worked hard knowing that my money would go to the gas in my car, ticket stubs of the concerts that i wanted to see, and the planes and trains that would take me to the places i have never been. these things will all happen in time, but i would just like to rip down this hypothetical neon sign that suggests that college is the only road to success. a successful life is one full of happiness and passion. luckily i have enough of those two things to make it through, but know that you have a choice. when it looks like there is only one way to accomplish or fix something, i beseech you to search for the other paths...because they Are there.

if you have love in your life, a roof over your head, and the desire to sink your teeth into this world, you have everything...regardless of whether or not you have a piece of paper that says "You're really great at math!"

never be afraid or ashamed to admit that you are satisfied by the simplistic beauty that the world offers without a financial catch.