and maybe it's a case of my wishful thinking.

there are so many descriptions and ideas about love; what it is, what it feels like, how it changes us. we are affected by so many different people that, even personally, we will never have the same view of love every time we're asked what our own view of love is.

to some, love is big, loud, in your face; extravagant. we're in love, and everybody knows it; and if they don't...you're in a "weird, hidden, emotionally abusive" situation. love is holding hands, kissing, having sex, being together every day, texting at every moment that you aren't together.

a year ago, i probably would have agreed that this IS in fact, what love is like.

turns out, i didn't know too much about love.

while venturing in and out of relationships(new friendships and old lovers alike), i've been changing my views. in the relationships that i haven't been taken by, i gathered information on emotions; on strategy. in the relationships that knocked me down like a tidal wave, i gathered some intelligence (to leave well enough alone, next time, even when i don't want to) and some dignity- the respect that i wasn't given, the respect that i didn't demand. and in the relationships that benefited me most positively, i gathered the ability to see when it was a good thing, the signs that it was okay to let my guard down and sit still.

i haven't been able to exercise those abilities yet, fully, but i have taken steps to begin.

i've actually built a guard. i've learned not to dive in; to take things slow.

there is no need to alter myself or my plans. when something is supposed to be, the situation doesn't need a push to begin. it will do so on its own.

a new-old, and now old again friend reminded me: "time takes time, just like ben folds said."

the most that i have learned of love, though, has come indirectly, through an unexpected friendship. through this friendship i have felt comfort as snug as the home i grew up in, so many years ago. i have felt the actual simultaneousness of laughing together. i have felt the need to strive for personal achievement and prosperity- and the realization that this need must exist whether or not a relationship does. most of all, i have learned that my current definition of love is this:

love is mutual.