and guess what? i'm having more fun.

this one isn't for the meek, those overwhelmed by blunt words, or those who refuse to accept reality.

fact: women want connection.

in and out of 'non'-relationships, dates, hook-ups, and anything of the sort..i've come realize that none of us will ever learn. not in our early twenties, anyway.

if a guy is single, it's for a reason:

a. some phenomenal woman broke his heart,

b. he has no interest in anything besides casual sex,

or c. his job is his priority.

make no mistake; none of these situations are to be ridiculed: to each his own.

by the same token:

if a woman is single, it's also for a reason:

a. her boyfriend just broke up with her

b. she's a "stage-five clinger"

or c. she is so hopeless and/or violent toward the male population that she joins a convent or a knitting group.

of course there are exceptions to each of these rules; and please don't misunderstand- they apply even to the sexiest and independent (of sexy and independent) women.

we turn to our girlfriends for their delusional* advice, we listen for hours, and then do the obvious: ignore her and text him, go for a run, get wrapped up in work, or in the worst cases, watch sex & the city re-runs while drinking wine and eating ben and jerry's.

there is no MYSTERY to solve here! no matter how many times we analyze each minuscule detail of the emails, facebook messages, and texts (ex. "and then he said 'definitely, smiley-face, exclamation-point'...so wait should i call him?!"), the answer is still the same: if a guy wants you, he'll find you...and maybe right now, it's okay to just have fun...to exist without being 'found'.

(*= loving and supportive)

in the meantime, ask yourself this: why am i wasting my time worrying over things that have already been said, or done? did you physically hurt him? did you kidnap his dog, or steal his car? if the answer is no, chill the fuck out. if the answer is yes, please check yourself into some sort of 12-step program.

the point is, we're not crazy for wanting more, wondering about the possibilities, or bringing them up. the worst that can happen is just the same as in any other situation:

you get told 'no',

or

you get embarrassed.

...and this has been happening since you asked for a my-size Barbie, and since you tripped and fell on your face 2 weeks ago. get used to it, and get over it.

note: any failed potential that turns into another obnoxious "guy i almost hooked up with," turns into your own personal success- you saved some face, some dignity, and some friday nights with endless possibilities...and every failed-potential that turns into a guy it "just didn't work out with", turns into the possibility of an incredible friendship...and there's always time for later.

stop second-guessing yourself; stop asking what's wrong with you.

embrace the fact that love, in any and every form, takes time.

broken hearts mend.

know that your own definition of love, and expectations for a relationship are quite possibly NOT the same as his.

know that "not now" does not mean "not ever."

know not to wait,

but know:

the more open your mind and heart are, the more potential you give yourself-

in dating, in love, and in life.

and maybe it's a case of my wishful thinking.

there are so many descriptions and ideas about love; what it is, what it feels like, how it changes us. we are affected by so many different people that, even personally, we will never have the same view of love every time we're asked what our own view of love is.

to some, love is big, loud, in your face; extravagant. we're in love, and everybody knows it; and if they don't...you're in a "weird, hidden, emotionally abusive" situation. love is holding hands, kissing, having sex, being together every day, texting at every moment that you aren't together.

a year ago, i probably would have agreed that this IS in fact, what love is like.

turns out, i didn't know too much about love.

while venturing in and out of relationships(new friendships and old lovers alike), i've been changing my views. in the relationships that i haven't been taken by, i gathered information on emotions; on strategy. in the relationships that knocked me down like a tidal wave, i gathered some intelligence (to leave well enough alone, next time, even when i don't want to) and some dignity- the respect that i wasn't given, the respect that i didn't demand. and in the relationships that benefited me most positively, i gathered the ability to see when it was a good thing, the signs that it was okay to let my guard down and sit still.

i haven't been able to exercise those abilities yet, fully, but i have taken steps to begin.

i've actually built a guard. i've learned not to dive in; to take things slow.

there is no need to alter myself or my plans. when something is supposed to be, the situation doesn't need a push to begin. it will do so on its own.

a new-old, and now old again friend reminded me: "time takes time, just like ben folds said."

the most that i have learned of love, though, has come indirectly, through an unexpected friendship. through this friendship i have felt comfort as snug as the home i grew up in, so many years ago. i have felt the actual simultaneousness of laughing together. i have felt the need to strive for personal achievement and prosperity- and the realization that this need must exist whether or not a relationship does. most of all, i have learned that my current definition of love is this:

love is mutual.

always eager to pack my bags, when i really wanna stay.

so many of us have this structure in mind...but have you ever moved home, or woken up, or been driving to work, and realized that "home" isn't where your heart is anymore? this is not to say that we don't love our family, friends, or memories; because surely they make up so much of our hearts, but to say that walking out the door one day it hits you like a ton of bricks: you know exactly how this day is going to go; what's going to happen, who you're going to see...the new chapter doesn't exist, and it's what you need.

so we get up and go, leave, get gone.

and once we get to where we're going- we wait.

...how can we expect any kind of new freedom or creation to develop if the only thing we've changed is our location? we can't. it may never have been a problem of where we were, but of what we did while we were there. and living isn't actually easy. sometimes we have to force ourselves into a routine or into a spirit in order to actually fall into it, and sometimes it comes naturally. it's not just how we got there, it's not that we got there; it is both of these things, and all of the others.

eventually though, if we finally stop moving and TRY to put our feet down, we'll walk out the front door one day and This will hit you like a ton of bricks:

you know exactly how this day is going to go; what's going to happen, who you're going to see...and you'll realize that you don't need to move, because you're standing in the middle of the new chapter you were waiting for.

i am giving up on taking chances, greener grasses, half-empty glasses.

sometimes, we are so dead-set on the need to move forward, move up, or move out, that we never consider the possibility of going back to where we started to ask for directions. there are all of these defining numbers: 6 years of elementary school, 2 years of middle school, 4 years of high school. at 18 you count in America, at 21 you're a real person, 4 years of college. the truth, though, is that so few people ACTUALLY follow these patterns, and even though some of them will happen inevitably, making it to these "milestones" doesn't guarantee some specific amount of knowledge or enlightenment. learning to understand who we are is something we will spend our entire adult life doing. when we search within us to find our happy place, we have to look beyond the automatic "pina colada on the beach" scene. there is something deeper there, and if you listen, you are your own guide to you.

leaving only changes your place on the map- a new mindset can be gained only when you are willing to free yourself and give yourself completely to a new idea; to alter your old beliefs by squeezing in new ways, or pieces of information. sometimes, a search is necessary. we are on the hunt for the missing piece, the answer, or the solution. in my experience, however, we've only ever been searching for ourselves. on the journey to everywhere, you could be sitting quite still if you don't know who you are, and going through the motions is to not truly experience the thrill. if we open ourselves up, we experience new connections, we take more risks...we are given the opportunity to feel awake; alive. but just because you decide to begin, does not mean you are ready to finish. life is not a race.


sometimes, we DO need to move forward, move up, or move out. but sometimes, what we NEED is to go home. this doesn't mean starting over, it means taking the numbers, throwing them the fuck out the window, and allowing yourself to remember that happiness exists at your own pace. and when you're ready, the world will be ready, too. in order to build a new home inside ourselves, we need to remember where we started, and we have to know what we want, what we need. the road to the home within you has no speed limit, and as many stops as you need.

it's the good advice, that you just didn't take.

there has to be an i before an us, before a team, before "best friends". we can get lost in anything...and that potential makes it a necessity to have ourselves. when things are one particular way for so long that you don't even remember a time before that, it's time to stop and recollect. you can make that mistake two, even three times, but if you're headed for a fourth, you should realize something: the only time you are capable of doing anything alone is when you're about to fall. success, happiness, growth- all of these things have to be achieved by us each as individuals before they can be significant or valid in a pair or in a group. it's hard to be let down, to have a falling-out, to breakup. there IS room for sadness and repair...but there is not room to put some infinite amount of space between you and your life.

when something ends, there are few things that we should all keep in mind.

one of them is closure. it RARELY happens. people talk about it all of the time; how they need it, how they'll be fine after they have it, what it would take to have some. but the reality is that closure is a seven letter word for "i am not willing to accept that this is over and so i am going to keep making excuses to hang around in case everything fixes itself." yeah. keep on waiting.

the second thing to keep in mind are cliches. everyone is knocking them. the reason there is such a stigma attached to a cliche is because it is a small rhyme or piece of advice that people keep repeating. over. and over. and over. and you are sick of it, because YOU are the exception, there's going to be some huge epiphany, and it's not REALLY over. now, imagine this: the reason you keep hearing it? BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. yeah, we know- it hurts. but there ARE other fish in the sea, time DOES heal all wounds, and it WAS a learning experience.

the third thing is pretty simple- you. an end to an era is the best possible time to rediscover, reinvent, and take notice of yourself. when you go full-circle, you end up here: it is NECESSARY for things to end to remain connected to You; this is when you feel your heart in its truest form- the beginning and the end. and that brings me to number four:
the end is the beginning.

sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect-

it's too much to breathe every breath for someone else. every breath should be for you.

that said, music is an extension of ourselves that allows us to feed into the depths of connection- the most euphoric moments paired with the song that gets us high; the most anguish-laced song paired to the saddest of romances.


as i laid in my bed falling asleep, i realized half-consciously that i was singing- only to find that the lyric i'd chimed in during was more significant to me than even i had realized. instead of worrying about the things that we say- "too overwhelming, too deep; careless, brazen"...instead of worrying about these things that i might say, i'm going to stop. i've realized that i have been singing them all along. and so many of these lyrics are mine for someone.
and they are yours for someone. we are bound by these words- someone else's words- and we express ourselves through someone ELSE'S expression of self.
the smarter part of us probably knows that the person that we are singing for hasn't heard us. hasn't realized that each lyric, though repossessed, has put words to a want- to an expression too complex to conjure words for, felt for Them; and i wonder why we keep singing.
we take those words, and we sing them again. we beg melodically for someone to hear them. to feel them. to love them.

why?

because while we sing and ask for our hearts to be caught through sound waves precisely developed to be touched and to move, Someone hears us.
this isn't hopeless, and i will keep singing to you. because... even though you aren't the one to feel my song, someone else will hear it and know this heart and how it has been written; how it reads.



connecting to lyrics and saying them/singing them/writing them lets us breathe-
and directly from our hearts.

if you go when the snowflakes storm, when the rivers freeze and summer ends...

we realized: we're pretty boring.

and it's a happy realization- it's the one where you realize you have become close to someone. for me it happened when i realized how quickly i gave up looking for the other shoe, and just settled on some old slippers.
it just doesn't seem enough to let these things go without being said. the treasure in finding comfort in someone is real; to be at home with another person is finding another home somewhere in yourself.
there is a warmth in closeness- it shows itself as laughter, as a willingness to learn/to understand, and the ability to share silence.

sometimes the space is too small, and sometimes we need a break. but the person who drove you crazy yesterday just might be the same person who can bring you back home again.