it's a common double-standard of society...

listen up ladies:

it's all your fault. you NEVER follow directions.

if you would, for once,

just follow these few short guidelines...

(a.) if you like a guy, make sure you pretend that you don't.

(2.) if you're dating a guy, make sure that you only use phrases like "sure," "that's fine," and "no, of course i don't mind that you keep your ex-girlfriend's nude picture by your bed."

(b.) if you date a guy whose overseas ex-girlfriend is coming for a month-long visit to the states to see him, you should assume that he definitely won't sleep with her in this period of time; it's totally normal to go on holiday with your ex while you are seeing someone else.

(g.) if a guy tells you that he's interested and can't wait to see you again, he has clearly stated that he's unsure of what he wants, and by pursuing him you are being completely apathetic to his vulnerable state. you need to be a little bit more considerate and do what he wants when HE is ready.

(7.) when texting a guy, even if he's YOUR guy, make sure that you don't text him unless he texts you first (and even if he does send you that first text, remember that you're annoying and clingy if you dare text him in the next week).

(24.) if a guy smokes a lot, drinks a lot, gambles a lot, or is obsessed with internet porn...you should really not bitch at him or have any type of concern, you're clearly neurotic and unfit to be a decent girlfriend.

(9b.) if your boyfriend tells you that your relationship has to be a secret, you should just trust him; he's totally in love with you and is probably in the FBI- you could blow his cover if you say anything sweet to him in front of others.

(64.) if a guy invites you to watch a movie at his parents house, and they come home in the middle of said movie and he shoves you into his laundry closet, you should really stop freaking out. this is NOT shady at ALL. this happens a lot...and your little claustrophobia episode sort of ruins the first-date excitement.

(c.) if a guy you are intimate with will not kiss you on the lips because he doesn't want you to get attached, you should really stop being so mad at him. instead, thank him! he is SO sweet to realize how much easier it makes things for you to keep sleeping with you and not kiss you.

(q.) if you find an article of women's clothing in your man's apartment and it isn't yours, and he says it belongs to his sister- well, obviously! it is normal for a girl to leave her bra in her brother's room! who are you to be judgmental of the upstate way of life?

i promise, you'll hate me for it later.

so

WAKE. UP.

you're gonna find 100 of these boys, but that's how you'll know when you've found a good man. this frat-boy bullshit will be a distant memory. wait for it, it'll happen.

what it means to be the girl who changed her mind, and changed her world:

we all do it.

whether silently, or kicking and screaming, crying and pleading...

we all suffer through the phases of heartbreak.

and suffer we may, however, the heartbreaks we endure are probably what help propel us most into who we become. our strength, our judgment, our love for ourselves- these are the things that we lay on the line when we give ourselves to another person, and they are also what we take from the people we are with.

we love many people in our lives, and we love them in different ways. we love our mothers and our brothers, our friends, sisters, and fathers. every pair is connected differently; we are related biologically or by commonality. the people in our families are woven into our lives without a choice- the way that we mold those relationships is solely up to us. relationships with friends and lovers must also be shaped, and without any background other than an intangible connection felt between two people. these relationships are the foundation for who we are, and who we are is ever-changing. we take pieces of each other and we are constantly blended into someone a little bit different each day. though we may break up, lose touch, or move on, what we take from each other remains...this is why heartbreak hurts. the reflection of yourself that you see is a reminder of the places you have been, the people you have been with, and YOU are the result of both of those things.

as we get older and change with the days, we learn how to cope just a little bit better every time. heartbreaks are different, so the hurt never feels any better, but what i have found is the amazing opportunity to recognize the moment where i see today's reflection- the new reflection that is a result of my "past." while a "past" is noted as a complete body of time, i've noticed that when we as individuals reference our past, we aren't referencing the whole thing, but the part that has most recently contributed to our near-future...from yesterday...until tomorrow.

we ask everyone else for instruction on how to proceed, how to get over it, and how to love again...but these questions can only be answered by one person- You. and the reason why? no one knows better than you that this isn't the first time, and it won't be the last. and no one Should know better than you, that love doesn't run out- you once again, have all of your own. and remember this, always: remember that your love is to share...not to give away.

she can't be convicted, she has earned her degree...

"so, are you in school?"

"how's school going?"

at 22, every 'catch-up' conversation i have seems to start out with one of these two questions. smile, say it's going well, subject change.

why?

because if you are college-educated, you are lucky. but guess what? if you are college-educated, you've also started digging yourself a hole. if you come out with a degree to work in the field that you love- that's phenomenal. if you're still digging and unsure...that's another story. you end up with unpaid loans and only two options- start paying, or stick it out...which could mean years of classroom discussions on topics that put you to sleep.

in our society, what has been deemed as "normal" is to go to college after high school...and if you're not going to a college or vocational school, you'd say you're just "taking a year off," as if you have to make some kind of excuse. why IS this? have we allowed ourselves to explore our OWN vision of what we want for our lives? think about it. did you ever feel that there was any other option, or did you just start looking for colleges along with everyone else? because that's what i did. but now it's becoming much clearer. i wouldn't call someone else to find out what i wanted for breakfast tomorrow morning, so why would i follow someone else's plan for the next four years (or five...or six) without consulting...ME? because college...is just what you do.

i am not (by ANY means) ridiculing an individual who happily pursues their further education. if you know what you want, and you are passionate about it, TAKE it. learn every single bit of information on the craft- practice it, love it, and love your life and your work.

i am, however, thoroughly disappointed. because for me, school is the one area in my life where i simply go through the motions. i love to learn, but i do not love What i am learning. unconventional as it may be, i want to learn about Life. literally. the only way to do that though? live it.

i am musician, i am a psychologist, i am not afraid to get my hands dirty, i am not above anything that could broaden my world view--or the understanding of the people in it. mainly i want to figure out this: why doesn't anyone ever ask "ARE you going to college?," instead of "WHERE are you going to college?" because if i could do it all over again, i would probably make no apology as i spent my mornings running, lived in a apartment with cheap rent, and worked hard knowing that my money would go to the gas in my car, ticket stubs of the concerts that i wanted to see, and the planes and trains that would take me to the places i have never been. these things will all happen in time, but i would just like to rip down this hypothetical neon sign that suggests that college is the only road to success. a successful life is one full of happiness and passion. luckily i have enough of those two things to make it through, but know that you have a choice. when it looks like there is only one way to accomplish or fix something, i beseech you to search for the other paths...because they Are there.

if you have love in your life, a roof over your head, and the desire to sink your teeth into this world, you have everything...regardless of whether or not you have a piece of paper that says "You're really great at math!"

never be afraid or ashamed to admit that you are satisfied by the simplistic beauty that the world offers without a financial catch.

she walks like summer and talks like rain.

go.

don't look back.

change.

move out.

mess up.

get an A.

get a job.

switch it.

volunteer.

say hello.

jump in.

jump off.

throw it away.

move back.

move Over.

learn.

just say it.

know what you need.

get what you need.

want.

do.

feel.

heal.

get "it."

slow down.

trust.

be a skeptic.

be a kid.

get lost.

get found.

listen.

break.

confidence.

enjoy your faults.

don't cheat.

challenge yourself.

don't be scared.

be terrified.

be, anyway.

keep going.

who will save our souls?

do you realize the world that you exist in? because i'm realizing that i exist a world where the question is much more frequently "what's wrong?" than "what's right?" a world that stretches from the country to the city, from a life that is slow and stable-- to a life where no one has the time. the time is spent; spent collecting a personal fortune and fulfilling personal desires- which is fine, until i come to this:

the fact that the "looking for" category has added a new box, and it basically says "casual sex." but why? did we run out of time? did we run out of heart? why is "random play" an acceptable want, and a more frequent choice for us? because, "we are animals--it's a natural instinct...?" well, that is true- but just in case anyone has forgotten- we are not a species that runs wild in a jungle. we live in a society that claims to be based on morals, but that, in my opinion, has made so many allowances for simplifying matters of the heart that we don't react to the large amount of us that take the easy way out.

it's true: not every date will end in a relationship, and not every relationship will end in marriage, but what happened to dates? when was the last time, you ask, that someone asked me out to dinner, instead of hitting on me at a bar or party? oh...Never. and i have reason to believe that i am NOT the only woman who has experienced this, or hasn't experienced this, as the case may be. meeting someone out is not the real issue- it's the expectation after the fact. a hopeless romantic through and through, i will not deny that love "at-first-sight" exists. however, drunkenly meeting a hot guy at a bar who has the same taste in music as you and "thinks your eyes are really beautiful"....does not qualify. so what's the rush? why has our generation become accustomed to jumping into bed with a stranger after a night of heavy drinking and small talk? so many women my age complain about how poorly guys treat them; how they can't find the relationship that they want...i think that just maybe, we've been selling ourselves short. after all, isn't that how the old saying goes? when you can't get what you want, take what you can get. oh...wait- that's not right, is it?

between my own experiences and the experiences of all of my girlfriends, there have been boys, and guys, and there have been men. and after all of the stories- the ones i've heard and the ones i've lived through, the best advice to take is the same about worrying. don't worry until you have a reason, and don't think you have a relationship until you have a ring. just kidding, but really- pay attention. if it's true, if men in their 20's are not looking for anything but casual sex, then maybe i'm not looking for a man right now. maybe, JUST maybe, i'm on a hiatus from men.

while we can't reverse the seemingly permanent and damaging effects of our society that have been brought on by four lokos and college students, while we may not be able to raise the bar, we can change how we handle ourselves. if a one-night-stand is not going to fill your cup, take yourself out of this half-assed dating arena where cheap booze gets you nothing but cheaper sex. demand more for yourself, and don't be afraid to take the time. hooking up is easy, and everyone wants it. but i don't need everyone to want me, or even anyone. what i want is to enjoy my life as it comes, and eventually come across someone who wants me. in more than just one capacity, for longer than just one night.

and guess what? i'm having more fun.

this one isn't for the meek, those overwhelmed by blunt words, or those who refuse to accept reality.

fact: women want connection.

in and out of 'non'-relationships, dates, hook-ups, and anything of the sort..i've come realize that none of us will ever learn. not in our early twenties, anyway.

if a guy is single, it's for a reason:

a. some phenomenal woman broke his heart,

b. he has no interest in anything besides casual sex,

or c. his job is his priority.

make no mistake; none of these situations are to be ridiculed: to each his own.

by the same token:

if a woman is single, it's also for a reason:

a. her boyfriend just broke up with her

b. she's a "stage-five clinger"

or c. she is so hopeless and/or violent toward the male population that she joins a convent or a knitting group.

of course there are exceptions to each of these rules; and please don't misunderstand- they apply even to the sexiest and independent (of sexy and independent) women.

we turn to our girlfriends for their delusional* advice, we listen for hours, and then do the obvious: ignore her and text him, go for a run, get wrapped up in work, or in the worst cases, watch sex & the city re-runs while drinking wine and eating ben and jerry's.

there is no MYSTERY to solve here! no matter how many times we analyze each minuscule detail of the emails, facebook messages, and texts (ex. "and then he said 'definitely, smiley-face, exclamation-point'...so wait should i call him?!"), the answer is still the same: if a guy wants you, he'll find you...and maybe right now, it's okay to just have fun...to exist without being 'found'.

(*= loving and supportive)

in the meantime, ask yourself this: why am i wasting my time worrying over things that have already been said, or done? did you physically hurt him? did you kidnap his dog, or steal his car? if the answer is no, chill the fuck out. if the answer is yes, please check yourself into some sort of 12-step program.

the point is, we're not crazy for wanting more, wondering about the possibilities, or bringing them up. the worst that can happen is just the same as in any other situation:

you get told 'no',

or

you get embarrassed.

...and this has been happening since you asked for a my-size Barbie, and since you tripped and fell on your face 2 weeks ago. get used to it, and get over it.

note: any failed potential that turns into another obnoxious "guy i almost hooked up with," turns into your own personal success- you saved some face, some dignity, and some friday nights with endless possibilities...and every failed-potential that turns into a guy it "just didn't work out with", turns into the possibility of an incredible friendship...and there's always time for later.

stop second-guessing yourself; stop asking what's wrong with you.

embrace the fact that love, in any and every form, takes time.

broken hearts mend.

know that your own definition of love, and expectations for a relationship are quite possibly NOT the same as his.

know that "not now" does not mean "not ever."

know not to wait,

but know:

the more open your mind and heart are, the more potential you give yourself-

in dating, in love, and in life.

and maybe it's a case of my wishful thinking.

there are so many descriptions and ideas about love; what it is, what it feels like, how it changes us. we are affected by so many different people that, even personally, we will never have the same view of love every time we're asked what our own view of love is.

to some, love is big, loud, in your face; extravagant. we're in love, and everybody knows it; and if they don't...you're in a "weird, hidden, emotionally abusive" situation. love is holding hands, kissing, having sex, being together every day, texting at every moment that you aren't together.

a year ago, i probably would have agreed that this IS in fact, what love is like.

turns out, i didn't know too much about love.

while venturing in and out of relationships(new friendships and old lovers alike), i've been changing my views. in the relationships that i haven't been taken by, i gathered information on emotions; on strategy. in the relationships that knocked me down like a tidal wave, i gathered some intelligence (to leave well enough alone, next time, even when i don't want to) and some dignity- the respect that i wasn't given, the respect that i didn't demand. and in the relationships that benefited me most positively, i gathered the ability to see when it was a good thing, the signs that it was okay to let my guard down and sit still.

i haven't been able to exercise those abilities yet, fully, but i have taken steps to begin.

i've actually built a guard. i've learned not to dive in; to take things slow.

there is no need to alter myself or my plans. when something is supposed to be, the situation doesn't need a push to begin. it will do so on its own.

a new-old, and now old again friend reminded me: "time takes time, just like ben folds said."

the most that i have learned of love, though, has come indirectly, through an unexpected friendship. through this friendship i have felt comfort as snug as the home i grew up in, so many years ago. i have felt the actual simultaneousness of laughing together. i have felt the need to strive for personal achievement and prosperity- and the realization that this need must exist whether or not a relationship does. most of all, i have learned that my current definition of love is this:

love is mutual.