you've still got your words, and you've got your friends.

there have been many people to come in and out of my life-

friends in classes, friends of friends, and people younger than me. ex-boyfriends, step family; people who i thought i'd love forever. people who i work with, people older than me, people whose love created me, people who i will love forever.

these connections that we've made will either grow stronger, or fade into a past- ours, or theirs. although love isn't necessarily tangible, it has the strongest influence over us- it stays with us and changes us. the second strongest influence on my own life, is music.

for me, songs and their movement do the job closest to perfect in making love tangible.

while my heart grows with each connection that i make, so does my music library.

to be the girl who knows every song that comes on is a blessing, and the reason why is this:

the songs that i know, i know because i heard them at a concert or on the radio, and their sentiment struck me for long enough that i invested my emotion to it.

OR, because someone in my life played it for me.

i can connect to the people who've moved through my life on a random afternoon, on any given radio station. i can find a way to my heart through lyrics in a song that explain my own love.. that i didn't have the words for.

i can feel my grandfather with me as i sing an old Irish song, and can bring him to my family when they need his comfort.

i am reminded of my mother's happiness in her wedding song, and remember that love is possible at any time.

i can note my youth and the places that have built me in multiple genres.

'punk' music puts me in a room with writing on the walls and pink hair,

and Elton, Billy, and Boston put me in the backseat while my father drives, turning the radio down sporadically so that he can hear me singing.

country music puts me at a homecoming game in a cheerleading uniform, on horseback at sunset with a blue-eyed brunette leading the way, and into the passenger seat drinking beer with a boy who taught me about heartbreak and friendship on old back roads.

the all-american rejects sing for my own siblings, and jason mraz to my soul siblings. Conor Oberst showed my best friend her heart, and gave us a second chance.

last month, i stopped dissing Moby, and found freedom and a new song for my own heart.

these songs and people make up my ever-expanding music library, and heart.

every decade is a new volume, every year is a new album, and every day is a new song.

this month, every love song is Ours.

just keep chasing pavements.

you get lost and end up on a dead-end back road. what happens next?

a couple of things are possible.

a. someone walks out of the woods and up to your car, and hands you a map.

b. you drive to the nearest gas station, and ask where you should go from your current position.

c. you get out of your car, kick the non-functioning blue door on the passenger side, and scream at the top of your lungs.

since choice A almost never happens, and C is almost completely ineffective, we'll explore choice B.

you know the manual that comes with your car, television remote, or cellphone?

you lost it- and my guess is that you only miss 'the manual' when your gadget breaks or malfunctions.

the bad news about us, as people..is this:

we never had a manual. there aren't any directions for when we are lost, confused, or have a broken heart.

when we feel like throwing our hands up because there isn't a set answer on where to go from where WE are, we should recognize this, the good news:

the good news is this:

we never had a manual. there aren't any directions for when we are lost, confused, or have a broken heart.

you'll notice that the bad news here is quite similar to the good. the reason?

it's true.

we Do have a path to follow, but that path is one onto which we lay the cement as we move across it. this means that we can always create a new way, no matter how lost we end up.

we have friends, lovers, parents, siblings, and acquaintances who help us through the moments where we are lost. connections from person to person allow us to each share our views, fears, hopes, and experiences. born with a guide? no. but the guide that we help each other write is specific to us, and the worth of this is immeasurable.

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes...

there is no talking to a broken heart.

and that's what you are when you have one-

not a person, not right now.

you Are...a broken heart.

we feel as though we have failed. and words, those are failing too. but we hear the sad songs, and we feel them pull every last tear from our eyes, and from our hearts.

on a sunny day when you've already made it through the hard parts, with just enough time to think about all of the things you have been too busy to think about for months, you realize that you're still missing a defining piece of you- the part that someone else took. while this Is something that will shape you, i've also found that no matter how strong we get, and no matter how many battles we lose and grow from...we will always be able to feel the once-new and alive spot inside of us, for each love that we've lost. we will get new jobs, we will meet other people. we will even date other people. but in the long list of names that each of us have inserted into the stories of our youth (some for a few months, some for a couple of years), there will be one or two that are especially hard to replace with someone else's.

what's harder, is when those lovers replace Your name..and you don't 'wish them the best.' what you wish, is that you were experiencing 'the best' along side of them. and sometimes, it's 'for the best.' we all have to understand that 'the best' is not around the corner. sometimes, it's not even a year away.

at sunset, i imagine the light coming through the trees on your road. when i notice my tail lights in the rear-view mirror, i imagine them against the siding of your house as i back into the driveway. and on a rainy morning, i think of a lime green curtain that masks the gray outside.

and so much in the time of heartbreak is just that-

a happy mask over the hopeless faces of the people who are begging, and rushing, and struggling to put themselves back together; a blanket over the heads of the broken hearts who can't get out of bed.

sometimes, we quickly gain the tools to start our lives again. but the willingness to start again does not mean that we get to skip the time; it does not mean that we can skip the grief.

all that we can hope for is that someday, love, as big as this one that broke us so deeply, comes along again-

even bigger this time, and able to take more away from us--

but won't.

and if you have a minute, why don't we go?

"when you drink the water, remember the spring."-Chinese proverb.

as you go through each and every day, do you process the people that you encounter? the sky above your head? do you take the time to witness each miracle?

well, as far as each and every day is concerned, the answer is probably 'no'. we are all guilty of being taken by the stress of our lives: financial concerns, turmoil in our relationships, the obsession with becoming who we are expected to be. while this processed and robotic habit is the norm, sometimes in life we each experience an overwhelming glimpse of light where every beautiful moment is noticed. in a fleeting summer, a deep pink sunset can sum up the day, and also, your life.

we take such great notice in those things that sadden and delay us, but why? we are still standing today. we still smile, and laugh, and continue on with our lives and responsibilities...and the reason why? daily miracles.

our cousins have babies, and someone makes us laugh until we can't breathe.

our siblings get promoted.

people become friends that we 'need', instead of just friends that we 'have'.

our best friends get engaged, and our loved ones return home from overseas.

after a really long day, your cell phone dies...and you get to be where you are.

we fall in love.

promises are kept, the power goes out, we see by candlelight. we make new friends.

the sun rises over the ocean, a stranger says hello.

someone lets you know in one way or another, "you matter."

you feel the love of a family, you spend enough time outside to get a sunburn.

you clink glasses with an old friend, someone kisses your cheek.

you get to do it all over again tomorrow.

if in a day you've smiled, if in a day you've felt love, luck, or beauty-

you've been given your miracle.

it's a common double-standard of society...

listen up ladies:

it's all your fault. you NEVER follow directions.

if you would, for once,

just follow these few short guidelines...

(a.) if you like a guy, make sure you pretend that you don't.

(2.) if you're dating a guy, make sure that you only use phrases like "sure," "that's fine," and "no, of course i don't mind that you keep your ex-girlfriend's nude picture by your bed."

(b.) if you date a guy whose overseas ex-girlfriend is coming for a month-long visit to the states to see him, you should assume that he definitely won't sleep with her in this period of time; it's totally normal to go on holiday with your ex while you are seeing someone else.

(g.) if a guy tells you that he's interested and can't wait to see you again, he has clearly stated that he's unsure of what he wants, and by pursuing him you are being completely apathetic to his vulnerable state. you need to be a little bit more considerate and do what he wants when HE is ready.

(7.) when texting a guy, even if he's YOUR guy, make sure that you don't text him unless he texts you first (and even if he does send you that first text, remember that you're annoying and clingy if you dare text him in the next week).

(24.) if a guy smokes a lot, drinks a lot, gambles a lot, or is obsessed with internet porn...you should really not bitch at him or have any type of concern, you're clearly neurotic and unfit to be a decent girlfriend.

(9b.) if your boyfriend tells you that your relationship has to be a secret, you should just trust him; he's totally in love with you and is probably in the FBI- you could blow his cover if you say anything sweet to him in front of others.

(64.) if a guy invites you to watch a movie at his parents house, and they come home in the middle of said movie and he shoves you into his laundry closet, you should really stop freaking out. this is NOT shady at ALL. this happens a lot...and your little claustrophobia episode sort of ruins the first-date excitement.

(c.) if a guy you are intimate with will not kiss you on the lips because he doesn't want you to get attached, you should really stop being so mad at him. instead, thank him! he is SO sweet to realize how much easier it makes things for you to keep sleeping with you and not kiss you.

(q.) if you find an article of women's clothing in your man's apartment and it isn't yours, and he says it belongs to his sister- well, obviously! it is normal for a girl to leave her bra in her brother's room! who are you to be judgmental of the upstate way of life?

i promise, you'll hate me for it later.

so

WAKE. UP.

you're gonna find 100 of these boys, but that's how you'll know when you've found a good man. this frat-boy bullshit will be a distant memory. wait for it, it'll happen.

what it means to be the girl who changed her mind, and changed her world:

we all do it.

whether silently, or kicking and screaming, crying and pleading...

we all suffer through the phases of heartbreak.

and suffer we may, however, the heartbreaks we endure are probably what help propel us most into who we become. our strength, our judgment, our love for ourselves- these are the things that we lay on the line when we give ourselves to another person, and they are also what we take from the people we are with.

we love many people in our lives, and we love them in different ways. we love our mothers and our brothers, our friends, sisters, and fathers. every pair is connected differently; we are related biologically or by commonality. the people in our families are woven into our lives without a choice- the way that we mold those relationships is solely up to us. relationships with friends and lovers must also be shaped, and without any background other than an intangible connection felt between two people. these relationships are the foundation for who we are, and who we are is ever-changing. we take pieces of each other and we are constantly blended into someone a little bit different each day. though we may break up, lose touch, or move on, what we take from each other remains...this is why heartbreak hurts. the reflection of yourself that you see is a reminder of the places you have been, the people you have been with, and YOU are the result of both of those things.

as we get older and change with the days, we learn how to cope just a little bit better every time. heartbreaks are different, so the hurt never feels any better, but what i have found is the amazing opportunity to recognize the moment where i see today's reflection- the new reflection that is a result of my "past." while a "past" is noted as a complete body of time, i've noticed that when we as individuals reference our past, we aren't referencing the whole thing, but the part that has most recently contributed to our near-future...from yesterday...until tomorrow.

we ask everyone else for instruction on how to proceed, how to get over it, and how to love again...but these questions can only be answered by one person- You. and the reason why? no one knows better than you that this isn't the first time, and it won't be the last. and no one Should know better than you, that love doesn't run out- you once again, have all of your own. and remember this, always: remember that your love is to share...not to give away.

she can't be convicted, she has earned her degree...

"so, are you in school?"

"how's school going?"

at 22, every 'catch-up' conversation i have seems to start out with one of these two questions. smile, say it's going well, subject change.

why?

because if you are college-educated, you are lucky. but guess what? if you are college-educated, you've also started digging yourself a hole. if you come out with a degree to work in the field that you love- that's phenomenal. if you're still digging and unsure...that's another story. you end up with unpaid loans and only two options- start paying, or stick it out...which could mean years of classroom discussions on topics that put you to sleep.

in our society, what has been deemed as "normal" is to go to college after high school...and if you're not going to a college or vocational school, you'd say you're just "taking a year off," as if you have to make some kind of excuse. why IS this? have we allowed ourselves to explore our OWN vision of what we want for our lives? think about it. did you ever feel that there was any other option, or did you just start looking for colleges along with everyone else? because that's what i did. but now it's becoming much clearer. i wouldn't call someone else to find out what i wanted for breakfast tomorrow morning, so why would i follow someone else's plan for the next four years (or five...or six) without consulting...ME? because college...is just what you do.

i am not (by ANY means) ridiculing an individual who happily pursues their further education. if you know what you want, and you are passionate about it, TAKE it. learn every single bit of information on the craft- practice it, love it, and love your life and your work.

i am, however, thoroughly disappointed. because for me, school is the one area in my life where i simply go through the motions. i love to learn, but i do not love What i am learning. unconventional as it may be, i want to learn about Life. literally. the only way to do that though? live it.

i am musician, i am a psychologist, i am not afraid to get my hands dirty, i am not above anything that could broaden my world view--or the understanding of the people in it. mainly i want to figure out this: why doesn't anyone ever ask "ARE you going to college?," instead of "WHERE are you going to college?" because if i could do it all over again, i would probably make no apology as i spent my mornings running, lived in a apartment with cheap rent, and worked hard knowing that my money would go to the gas in my car, ticket stubs of the concerts that i wanted to see, and the planes and trains that would take me to the places i have never been. these things will all happen in time, but i would just like to rip down this hypothetical neon sign that suggests that college is the only road to success. a successful life is one full of happiness and passion. luckily i have enough of those two things to make it through, but know that you have a choice. when it looks like there is only one way to accomplish or fix something, i beseech you to search for the other paths...because they Are there.

if you have love in your life, a roof over your head, and the desire to sink your teeth into this world, you have everything...regardless of whether or not you have a piece of paper that says "You're really great at math!"

never be afraid or ashamed to admit that you are satisfied by the simplistic beauty that the world offers without a financial catch.

she walks like summer and talks like rain.

go.

don't look back.

change.

move out.

mess up.

get an A.

get a job.

switch it.

volunteer.

say hello.

jump in.

jump off.

throw it away.

move back.

move Over.

learn.

just say it.

know what you need.

get what you need.

want.

do.

feel.

heal.

get "it."

slow down.

trust.

be a skeptic.

be a kid.

get lost.

get found.

listen.

break.

confidence.

enjoy your faults.

don't cheat.

challenge yourself.

don't be scared.

be terrified.

be, anyway.

keep going.

who will save our souls?

do you realize the world that you exist in? because i'm realizing that i exist a world where the question is much more frequently "what's wrong?" than "what's right?" a world that stretches from the country to the city, from a life that is slow and stable-- to a life where no one has the time. the time is spent; spent collecting a personal fortune and fulfilling personal desires- which is fine, until i come to this:

the fact that the "looking for" category has added a new box, and it basically says "casual sex." but why? did we run out of time? did we run out of heart? why is "random play" an acceptable want, and a more frequent choice for us? because, "we are animals--it's a natural instinct...?" well, that is true- but just in case anyone has forgotten- we are not a species that runs wild in a jungle. we live in a society that claims to be based on morals, but that, in my opinion, has made so many allowances for simplifying matters of the heart that we don't react to the large amount of us that take the easy way out.

it's true: not every date will end in a relationship, and not every relationship will end in marriage, but what happened to dates? when was the last time, you ask, that someone asked me out to dinner, instead of hitting on me at a bar or party? oh...Never. and i have reason to believe that i am NOT the only woman who has experienced this, or hasn't experienced this, as the case may be. meeting someone out is not the real issue- it's the expectation after the fact. a hopeless romantic through and through, i will not deny that love "at-first-sight" exists. however, drunkenly meeting a hot guy at a bar who has the same taste in music as you and "thinks your eyes are really beautiful"....does not qualify. so what's the rush? why has our generation become accustomed to jumping into bed with a stranger after a night of heavy drinking and small talk? so many women my age complain about how poorly guys treat them; how they can't find the relationship that they want...i think that just maybe, we've been selling ourselves short. after all, isn't that how the old saying goes? when you can't get what you want, take what you can get. oh...wait- that's not right, is it?

between my own experiences and the experiences of all of my girlfriends, there have been boys, and guys, and there have been men. and after all of the stories- the ones i've heard and the ones i've lived through, the best advice to take is the same about worrying. don't worry until you have a reason, and don't think you have a relationship until you have a ring. just kidding, but really- pay attention. if it's true, if men in their 20's are not looking for anything but casual sex, then maybe i'm not looking for a man right now. maybe, JUST maybe, i'm on a hiatus from men.

while we can't reverse the seemingly permanent and damaging effects of our society that have been brought on by four lokos and college students, while we may not be able to raise the bar, we can change how we handle ourselves. if a one-night-stand is not going to fill your cup, take yourself out of this half-assed dating arena where cheap booze gets you nothing but cheaper sex. demand more for yourself, and don't be afraid to take the time. hooking up is easy, and everyone wants it. but i don't need everyone to want me, or even anyone. what i want is to enjoy my life as it comes, and eventually come across someone who wants me. in more than just one capacity, for longer than just one night.

and guess what? i'm having more fun.

this one isn't for the meek, those overwhelmed by blunt words, or those who refuse to accept reality.

fact: women want connection.

in and out of 'non'-relationships, dates, hook-ups, and anything of the sort..i've come realize that none of us will ever learn. not in our early twenties, anyway.

if a guy is single, it's for a reason:

a. some phenomenal woman broke his heart,

b. he has no interest in anything besides casual sex,

or c. his job is his priority.

make no mistake; none of these situations are to be ridiculed: to each his own.

by the same token:

if a woman is single, it's also for a reason:

a. her boyfriend just broke up with her

b. she's a "stage-five clinger"

or c. she is so hopeless and/or violent toward the male population that she joins a convent or a knitting group.

of course there are exceptions to each of these rules; and please don't misunderstand- they apply even to the sexiest and independent (of sexy and independent) women.

we turn to our girlfriends for their delusional* advice, we listen for hours, and then do the obvious: ignore her and text him, go for a run, get wrapped up in work, or in the worst cases, watch sex & the city re-runs while drinking wine and eating ben and jerry's.

there is no MYSTERY to solve here! no matter how many times we analyze each minuscule detail of the emails, facebook messages, and texts (ex. "and then he said 'definitely, smiley-face, exclamation-point'...so wait should i call him?!"), the answer is still the same: if a guy wants you, he'll find you...and maybe right now, it's okay to just have fun...to exist without being 'found'.

(*= loving and supportive)

in the meantime, ask yourself this: why am i wasting my time worrying over things that have already been said, or done? did you physically hurt him? did you kidnap his dog, or steal his car? if the answer is no, chill the fuck out. if the answer is yes, please check yourself into some sort of 12-step program.

the point is, we're not crazy for wanting more, wondering about the possibilities, or bringing them up. the worst that can happen is just the same as in any other situation:

you get told 'no',

or

you get embarrassed.

...and this has been happening since you asked for a my-size Barbie, and since you tripped and fell on your face 2 weeks ago. get used to it, and get over it.

note: any failed potential that turns into another obnoxious "guy i almost hooked up with," turns into your own personal success- you saved some face, some dignity, and some friday nights with endless possibilities...and every failed-potential that turns into a guy it "just didn't work out with", turns into the possibility of an incredible friendship...and there's always time for later.

stop second-guessing yourself; stop asking what's wrong with you.

embrace the fact that love, in any and every form, takes time.

broken hearts mend.

know that your own definition of love, and expectations for a relationship are quite possibly NOT the same as his.

know that "not now" does not mean "not ever."

know not to wait,

but know:

the more open your mind and heart are, the more potential you give yourself-

in dating, in love, and in life.

and maybe it's a case of my wishful thinking.

there are so many descriptions and ideas about love; what it is, what it feels like, how it changes us. we are affected by so many different people that, even personally, we will never have the same view of love every time we're asked what our own view of love is.

to some, love is big, loud, in your face; extravagant. we're in love, and everybody knows it; and if they don't...you're in a "weird, hidden, emotionally abusive" situation. love is holding hands, kissing, having sex, being together every day, texting at every moment that you aren't together.

a year ago, i probably would have agreed that this IS in fact, what love is like.

turns out, i didn't know too much about love.

while venturing in and out of relationships(new friendships and old lovers alike), i've been changing my views. in the relationships that i haven't been taken by, i gathered information on emotions; on strategy. in the relationships that knocked me down like a tidal wave, i gathered some intelligence (to leave well enough alone, next time, even when i don't want to) and some dignity- the respect that i wasn't given, the respect that i didn't demand. and in the relationships that benefited me most positively, i gathered the ability to see when it was a good thing, the signs that it was okay to let my guard down and sit still.

i haven't been able to exercise those abilities yet, fully, but i have taken steps to begin.

i've actually built a guard. i've learned not to dive in; to take things slow.

there is no need to alter myself or my plans. when something is supposed to be, the situation doesn't need a push to begin. it will do so on its own.

a new-old, and now old again friend reminded me: "time takes time, just like ben folds said."

the most that i have learned of love, though, has come indirectly, through an unexpected friendship. through this friendship i have felt comfort as snug as the home i grew up in, so many years ago. i have felt the actual simultaneousness of laughing together. i have felt the need to strive for personal achievement and prosperity- and the realization that this need must exist whether or not a relationship does. most of all, i have learned that my current definition of love is this:

love is mutual.

always eager to pack my bags, when i really wanna stay.

so many of us have this structure in mind...but have you ever moved home, or woken up, or been driving to work, and realized that "home" isn't where your heart is anymore? this is not to say that we don't love our family, friends, or memories; because surely they make up so much of our hearts, but to say that walking out the door one day it hits you like a ton of bricks: you know exactly how this day is going to go; what's going to happen, who you're going to see...the new chapter doesn't exist, and it's what you need.

so we get up and go, leave, get gone.

and once we get to where we're going- we wait.

...how can we expect any kind of new freedom or creation to develop if the only thing we've changed is our location? we can't. it may never have been a problem of where we were, but of what we did while we were there. and living isn't actually easy. sometimes we have to force ourselves into a routine or into a spirit in order to actually fall into it, and sometimes it comes naturally. it's not just how we got there, it's not that we got there; it is both of these things, and all of the others.

eventually though, if we finally stop moving and TRY to put our feet down, we'll walk out the front door one day and This will hit you like a ton of bricks:

you know exactly how this day is going to go; what's going to happen, who you're going to see...and you'll realize that you don't need to move, because you're standing in the middle of the new chapter you were waiting for.

i am giving up on taking chances, greener grasses, half-empty glasses.

sometimes, we are so dead-set on the need to move forward, move up, or move out, that we never consider the possibility of going back to where we started to ask for directions. there are all of these defining numbers: 6 years of elementary school, 2 years of middle school, 4 years of high school. at 18 you count in America, at 21 you're a real person, 4 years of college. the truth, though, is that so few people ACTUALLY follow these patterns, and even though some of them will happen inevitably, making it to these "milestones" doesn't guarantee some specific amount of knowledge or enlightenment. learning to understand who we are is something we will spend our entire adult life doing. when we search within us to find our happy place, we have to look beyond the automatic "pina colada on the beach" scene. there is something deeper there, and if you listen, you are your own guide to you.

leaving only changes your place on the map- a new mindset can be gained only when you are willing to free yourself and give yourself completely to a new idea; to alter your old beliefs by squeezing in new ways, or pieces of information. sometimes, a search is necessary. we are on the hunt for the missing piece, the answer, or the solution. in my experience, however, we've only ever been searching for ourselves. on the journey to everywhere, you could be sitting quite still if you don't know who you are, and going through the motions is to not truly experience the thrill. if we open ourselves up, we experience new connections, we take more risks...we are given the opportunity to feel awake; alive. but just because you decide to begin, does not mean you are ready to finish. life is not a race.


sometimes, we DO need to move forward, move up, or move out. but sometimes, what we NEED is to go home. this doesn't mean starting over, it means taking the numbers, throwing them the fuck out the window, and allowing yourself to remember that happiness exists at your own pace. and when you're ready, the world will be ready, too. in order to build a new home inside ourselves, we need to remember where we started, and we have to know what we want, what we need. the road to the home within you has no speed limit, and as many stops as you need.

it's the good advice, that you just didn't take.

there has to be an i before an us, before a team, before "best friends". we can get lost in anything...and that potential makes it a necessity to have ourselves. when things are one particular way for so long that you don't even remember a time before that, it's time to stop and recollect. you can make that mistake two, even three times, but if you're headed for a fourth, you should realize something: the only time you are capable of doing anything alone is when you're about to fall. success, happiness, growth- all of these things have to be achieved by us each as individuals before they can be significant or valid in a pair or in a group. it's hard to be let down, to have a falling-out, to breakup. there IS room for sadness and repair...but there is not room to put some infinite amount of space between you and your life.

when something ends, there are few things that we should all keep in mind.

one of them is closure. it RARELY happens. people talk about it all of the time; how they need it, how they'll be fine after they have it, what it would take to have some. but the reality is that closure is a seven letter word for "i am not willing to accept that this is over and so i am going to keep making excuses to hang around in case everything fixes itself." yeah. keep on waiting.

the second thing to keep in mind are cliches. everyone is knocking them. the reason there is such a stigma attached to a cliche is because it is a small rhyme or piece of advice that people keep repeating. over. and over. and over. and you are sick of it, because YOU are the exception, there's going to be some huge epiphany, and it's not REALLY over. now, imagine this: the reason you keep hearing it? BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. yeah, we know- it hurts. but there ARE other fish in the sea, time DOES heal all wounds, and it WAS a learning experience.

the third thing is pretty simple- you. an end to an era is the best possible time to rediscover, reinvent, and take notice of yourself. when you go full-circle, you end up here: it is NECESSARY for things to end to remain connected to You; this is when you feel your heart in its truest form- the beginning and the end. and that brings me to number four:
the end is the beginning.

sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect-

it's too much to breathe every breath for someone else. every breath should be for you.

that said, music is an extension of ourselves that allows us to feed into the depths of connection- the most euphoric moments paired with the song that gets us high; the most anguish-laced song paired to the saddest of romances.


as i laid in my bed falling asleep, i realized half-consciously that i was singing- only to find that the lyric i'd chimed in during was more significant to me than even i had realized. instead of worrying about the things that we say- "too overwhelming, too deep; careless, brazen"...instead of worrying about these things that i might say, i'm going to stop. i've realized that i have been singing them all along. and so many of these lyrics are mine for someone.
and they are yours for someone. we are bound by these words- someone else's words- and we express ourselves through someone ELSE'S expression of self.
the smarter part of us probably knows that the person that we are singing for hasn't heard us. hasn't realized that each lyric, though repossessed, has put words to a want- to an expression too complex to conjure words for, felt for Them; and i wonder why we keep singing.
we take those words, and we sing them again. we beg melodically for someone to hear them. to feel them. to love them.

why?

because while we sing and ask for our hearts to be caught through sound waves precisely developed to be touched and to move, Someone hears us.
this isn't hopeless, and i will keep singing to you. because... even though you aren't the one to feel my song, someone else will hear it and know this heart and how it has been written; how it reads.



connecting to lyrics and saying them/singing them/writing them lets us breathe-
and directly from our hearts.

if you go when the snowflakes storm, when the rivers freeze and summer ends...

we realized: we're pretty boring.

and it's a happy realization- it's the one where you realize you have become close to someone. for me it happened when i realized how quickly i gave up looking for the other shoe, and just settled on some old slippers.
it just doesn't seem enough to let these things go without being said. the treasure in finding comfort in someone is real; to be at home with another person is finding another home somewhere in yourself.
there is a warmth in closeness- it shows itself as laughter, as a willingness to learn/to understand, and the ability to share silence.

sometimes the space is too small, and sometimes we need a break. but the person who drove you crazy yesterday just might be the same person who can bring you back home again.

and i'll never love again, oh friend, you've left me speechless.

"everything is about to change."


wrong.


everything is always changing. it's never going to be easier or any less exciting, either.


each time i know that a big change has to happen, i try to lose myself in a thousand other premeditated changes. now i think that's a mistake; the real courage in a change is making it, and continuing on with the same life you've been living...plus or minus whatever was keeping you from flourishing. the distractions are one way to cope, but they take away from how effective the reduction of that one item is on your life. if you want to notice a difference, you need to take notice, and you need to take charge.



there is so much talk to be heard from the people around you, so many ideas for how to get through the muck in this life...but there is only one moment where your ears will be open to listen. no one can hand you that moment; your heart and mind need to be in agreement, and that is a handshake that only your own hands can make.

love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

there is something to be said about this. whether i listen to leonard cohen, jeff buckley, rufus wainwright, or kate voegel's version of the song 'Hallelujah', i am spoken to in so many different ways.
this song is delicate but it tears through to the core, and there is one reason why: it paints love with all of the strife with which it is truly comprised. yes, there is so much beauty and so much happiness in love. but, this sings of the trials of humbling devotion that we risk for our hearts when we set them free.

"you saw her bathing on the roof; her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you. she tied you to her kitchen chair; she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah."
love can blind us into seeing something pure, and even after we learn that we stand fooled and bruised, sometimes it is impossible still to correct the feeling of fullness we think we are getting.
the worst part is actually beyond the hard part- the worst part is that we will then apply our assumptions and lack of trust onto new lovers who may never hurt us so deeply.

"it's not a cry you can hear at night; it's not somebody who has seen the light."
love can be lonely. it can be sleepless; it can mean sleeping through life. none of us have the answers, and there is no advice to be had. all that there can be for love is more of it, and more of it for each of us. until love is not a place where we are alone.

love is not Always lonely- this is not to say that love is only miserable and incomplete . but, for the longing and sadness that can result, this song has captured and has, with reason, given glory to the potentials that exist when love does.

Hallelujah says that love brings us to our knees and then drags us through the dirt.
our job is to survive through it. our job is to take what love gives us and understand that intention is never for pain. there is not room for regret, there is only room to accept the closeness that we do find, in its simplest and greatest of shapes. love can be in friendship, love can be in love. love can be in both. whichever you have; if you have both- you should be holding with silken chains. not too aggressively, and not too lightly- a reminder that you are there.



i know this room, and i've walked this floor.

so much for the streetlights; tell me that you'll dance til the end- just tell me that you'll dance til the end.

after all of the dressing up and money spent, drinks poured and nights out, one thing has become clear: the time spent IN is what has bound us most closely together.

i'm bouncing and restless, and wondering why. we want to stay in, we want to be out..so many times, our heart is in more than one place. balancing our lives between what we want and what is most practical seems to be a common reason for the trials that we put ourselves through. does it make the most sense to earn this degree for financial reasons? do we stay with a person because they make us feel whole? or do we stay with a person because they make the most sense?
i will never do the latter.
are we dismissing what we really love in order to put life on a track sooner rather than later?
i hope not. if we're settling in any area, we are not giving ourselves the chance to be whole. if we aren't whole, we don't contribute to the true potential of the world.

who says i can't get stoned?

at 19 i needed time to hurry up.


at 19 i thought "this is the end."
at 21 i think "there is no end."
at 19 i felt like "i know who i want to be."
at 21 i feel like "shit, i hope i know before i die."
at 19 i wanted to be skinny.
at 21 i want to stay as beautiful as i feel now.
at 19 i hated change.
at 21 i hate change.
at 19 i didn't want to leave.
at 21 i don't want to sit still.
at 19 i saw the "definitely's."
at 21 i see the "i really hope so, but in a day this might change."
at 19 i heard the song
at 21 i hear the pieces.
at 19 i wondered "if."
at 21 i wonder "when."
at 19 i made exceptions.
at 21 i make rules.
at 19 i realized the game.
at 21 i realized it's not too much fun to play.
at 19 i got sidetracked.
at 21 i got the fuck over it.
at 19 i learned i'd been given so many different tools.
at 21 i learn how to use them.
at 19 i said "i love you."
at 21 i say "i love me."



at 21 i need time to stop.



at every age, at some point, we're "really sure this time".
this feeling is only to hold us over.

because if we knew that the reality was that we'd never be sure?
we'd have nothing to run the miles for.