sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect-

it's too much to breathe every breath for someone else. every breath should be for you.

that said, music is an extension of ourselves that allows us to feed into the depths of connection- the most euphoric moments paired with the song that gets us high; the most anguish-laced song paired to the saddest of romances.


as i laid in my bed falling asleep, i realized half-consciously that i was singing- only to find that the lyric i'd chimed in during was more significant to me than even i had realized. instead of worrying about the things that we say- "too overwhelming, too deep; careless, brazen"...instead of worrying about these things that i might say, i'm going to stop. i've realized that i have been singing them all along. and so many of these lyrics are mine for someone.
and they are yours for someone. we are bound by these words- someone else's words- and we express ourselves through someone ELSE'S expression of self.
the smarter part of us probably knows that the person that we are singing for hasn't heard us. hasn't realized that each lyric, though repossessed, has put words to a want- to an expression too complex to conjure words for, felt for Them; and i wonder why we keep singing.
we take those words, and we sing them again. we beg melodically for someone to hear them. to feel them. to love them.

why?

because while we sing and ask for our hearts to be caught through sound waves precisely developed to be touched and to move, Someone hears us.
this isn't hopeless, and i will keep singing to you. because... even though you aren't the one to feel my song, someone else will hear it and know this heart and how it has been written; how it reads.



connecting to lyrics and saying them/singing them/writing them lets us breathe-
and directly from our hearts.

if you go when the snowflakes storm, when the rivers freeze and summer ends...

we realized: we're pretty boring.

and it's a happy realization- it's the one where you realize you have become close to someone. for me it happened when i realized how quickly i gave up looking for the other shoe, and just settled on some old slippers.
it just doesn't seem enough to let these things go without being said. the treasure in finding comfort in someone is real; to be at home with another person is finding another home somewhere in yourself.
there is a warmth in closeness- it shows itself as laughter, as a willingness to learn/to understand, and the ability to share silence.

sometimes the space is too small, and sometimes we need a break. but the person who drove you crazy yesterday just might be the same person who can bring you back home again.

and i'll never love again, oh friend, you've left me speechless.

"everything is about to change."


wrong.


everything is always changing. it's never going to be easier or any less exciting, either.


each time i know that a big change has to happen, i try to lose myself in a thousand other premeditated changes. now i think that's a mistake; the real courage in a change is making it, and continuing on with the same life you've been living...plus or minus whatever was keeping you from flourishing. the distractions are one way to cope, but they take away from how effective the reduction of that one item is on your life. if you want to notice a difference, you need to take notice, and you need to take charge.



there is so much talk to be heard from the people around you, so many ideas for how to get through the muck in this life...but there is only one moment where your ears will be open to listen. no one can hand you that moment; your heart and mind need to be in agreement, and that is a handshake that only your own hands can make.

love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

there is something to be said about this. whether i listen to leonard cohen, jeff buckley, rufus wainwright, or kate voegel's version of the song 'Hallelujah', i am spoken to in so many different ways.
this song is delicate but it tears through to the core, and there is one reason why: it paints love with all of the strife with which it is truly comprised. yes, there is so much beauty and so much happiness in love. but, this sings of the trials of humbling devotion that we risk for our hearts when we set them free.

"you saw her bathing on the roof; her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you. she tied you to her kitchen chair; she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah."
love can blind us into seeing something pure, and even after we learn that we stand fooled and bruised, sometimes it is impossible still to correct the feeling of fullness we think we are getting.
the worst part is actually beyond the hard part- the worst part is that we will then apply our assumptions and lack of trust onto new lovers who may never hurt us so deeply.

"it's not a cry you can hear at night; it's not somebody who has seen the light."
love can be lonely. it can be sleepless; it can mean sleeping through life. none of us have the answers, and there is no advice to be had. all that there can be for love is more of it, and more of it for each of us. until love is not a place where we are alone.

love is not Always lonely- this is not to say that love is only miserable and incomplete . but, for the longing and sadness that can result, this song has captured and has, with reason, given glory to the potentials that exist when love does.

Hallelujah says that love brings us to our knees and then drags us through the dirt.
our job is to survive through it. our job is to take what love gives us and understand that intention is never for pain. there is not room for regret, there is only room to accept the closeness that we do find, in its simplest and greatest of shapes. love can be in friendship, love can be in love. love can be in both. whichever you have; if you have both- you should be holding with silken chains. not too aggressively, and not too lightly- a reminder that you are there.



i know this room, and i've walked this floor.

so much for the streetlights; tell me that you'll dance til the end- just tell me that you'll dance til the end.

after all of the dressing up and money spent, drinks poured and nights out, one thing has become clear: the time spent IN is what has bound us most closely together.

i'm bouncing and restless, and wondering why. we want to stay in, we want to be out..so many times, our heart is in more than one place. balancing our lives between what we want and what is most practical seems to be a common reason for the trials that we put ourselves through. does it make the most sense to earn this degree for financial reasons? do we stay with a person because they make us feel whole? or do we stay with a person because they make the most sense?
i will never do the latter.
are we dismissing what we really love in order to put life on a track sooner rather than later?
i hope not. if we're settling in any area, we are not giving ourselves the chance to be whole. if we aren't whole, we don't contribute to the true potential of the world.

who says i can't get stoned?

at 19 i needed time to hurry up.


at 19 i thought "this is the end."
at 21 i think "there is no end."
at 19 i felt like "i know who i want to be."
at 21 i feel like "shit, i hope i know before i die."
at 19 i wanted to be skinny.
at 21 i want to stay as beautiful as i feel now.
at 19 i hated change.
at 21 i hate change.
at 19 i didn't want to leave.
at 21 i don't want to sit still.
at 19 i saw the "definitely's."
at 21 i see the "i really hope so, but in a day this might change."
at 19 i heard the song
at 21 i hear the pieces.
at 19 i wondered "if."
at 21 i wonder "when."
at 19 i made exceptions.
at 21 i make rules.
at 19 i realized the game.
at 21 i realized it's not too much fun to play.
at 19 i got sidetracked.
at 21 i got the fuck over it.
at 19 i learned i'd been given so many different tools.
at 21 i learn how to use them.
at 19 i said "i love you."
at 21 i say "i love me."



at 21 i need time to stop.



at every age, at some point, we're "really sure this time".
this feeling is only to hold us over.

because if we knew that the reality was that we'd never be sure?
we'd have nothing to run the miles for.

i don't care what they say about us anyway, i don't care about that.

being moved into happiness, being moved into sadness...neither of these things necessarily have to be negative; have to be positive. this works the same way Emerson talks about life; with respect to the journey, not the destination. anything that has the potential to change our state of mind is something that is noteworthy.

pop-culture is celebrated everywhere//pop-culture is discriminated everywhere, and perhaps even more so. instead of all the ridicule that we (the teenage dirtbags) of our generation distribute, let's take a look at the larger picture.

think about the one activity you are MOST passionate about in your life. speaking French, spreading your faith, writing music...and anything within or beyond those categories. imagine a room full of people who practice the same art as your own, and imagine select members of this group being recognized in particular for their unique journey in speaking to and changing others through this gift.

the following video has been watched by billions in the past week, but i believe that no matter what your craft is, if you have one, you can appreciate this. this artist could be quickly recognized by her name; conversations could be held over her television appearances because she has become familiar, and 'another star'. but instead, i urge you now to watch this performer as a young woman sharing something so powerful through her movement and voice. imagine it as one of your own pieces of work as you listen to the lyrics and watch her body-
this is what it is to be connected, to be fearless.
forget about wearing your heart on your sleeve- imagine nakedness.


imagine wearing nothing but your heart.

you called me sugar.

every now and again, drink some champagne.
feel that warm fuzzy feeling behind your eyes and the laugh in your throat?


remember to laugh at yourself, and remember that the amount of beauty you contribute to the world is based on how much you love yourself, (/) divided by the connections that you make, (x) and multiplied back again by how much you love yourself. plus four.








you can get that sober, just living your life. the champagne is just to remind you how when things get grey.

to this day i've never found someone with eyes as wide

sometimes i THINK that i'm not. not what?...just not. i've taken too long, spent too much, felt too deeply.
and sometimes, i feel like i am. i learn enough, i have enough, i enjoy enough, i reflect enough.
and God knows that i love enough.

we can sit and worry (in the same way that i'm sure i will continue to), but once in a while, it would be fine to just take a break and realize that you do have it under control. so what? sometimes we stay in school for longer than four years. some people stay at the same job for 20, knowing they could have moved up long ago. the life we live is created from the choices we have made from the situations we've been dealt. the first step to breathing is being able to admit you are content in a way that fits your mold, and not somebody else's.

if this is where you're comfortable, sit still. learn it; let it sink through to your bones.

we recognize our own growth, and nine times out of ten, if we sit still for too long feeling uninspired, we get up to shake it off. within us is a switch that will nag at us, reminding us of our potential and that switch remains flipped up until we satisfy our own need to progress.

listen. carry your heart around in your mind's eye. keep it open. the people you meet all have a story to tell. some may tell you in an obvious way, as they fulfill their dream to save those around them. some tell you in pieces; through random thoughts and songs that tie to their heartstrings. some will remain close-lipped and difficult. ask.


i'm curious, i'm letting it happen, i'm making it happen.