and maybe it's a case of my wishful thinking.

there are so many descriptions and ideas about love; what it is, what it feels like, how it changes us. we are affected by so many different people that, even personally, we will never have the same view of love every time we're asked what our own view of love is.

to some, love is big, loud, in your face; extravagant. we're in love, and everybody knows it; and if they don't...you're in a "weird, hidden, emotionally abusive" situation. love is holding hands, kissing, having sex, being together every day, texting at every moment that you aren't together.

a year ago, i probably would have agreed that this IS in fact, what love is like.

turns out, i didn't know too much about love.

while venturing in and out of relationships(new friendships and old lovers alike), i've been changing my views. in the relationships that i haven't been taken by, i gathered information on emotions; on strategy. in the relationships that knocked me down like a tidal wave, i gathered some intelligence (to leave well enough alone, next time, even when i don't want to) and some dignity- the respect that i wasn't given, the respect that i didn't demand. and in the relationships that benefited me most positively, i gathered the ability to see when it was a good thing, the signs that it was okay to let my guard down and sit still.

i haven't been able to exercise those abilities yet, fully, but i have taken steps to begin.

i've actually built a guard. i've learned not to dive in; to take things slow.

there is no need to alter myself or my plans. when something is supposed to be, the situation doesn't need a push to begin. it will do so on its own.

a new-old, and now old again friend reminded me: "time takes time, just like ben folds said."

the most that i have learned of love, though, has come indirectly, through an unexpected friendship. through this friendship i have felt comfort as snug as the home i grew up in, so many years ago. i have felt the actual simultaneousness of laughing together. i have felt the need to strive for personal achievement and prosperity- and the realization that this need must exist whether or not a relationship does. most of all, i have learned that my current definition of love is this:

love is mutual.

always eager to pack my bags, when i really wanna stay.

so many of us have this structure in mind...but have you ever moved home, or woken up, or been driving to work, and realized that "home" isn't where your heart is anymore? this is not to say that we don't love our family, friends, or memories; because surely they make up so much of our hearts, but to say that walking out the door one day it hits you like a ton of bricks: you know exactly how this day is going to go; what's going to happen, who you're going to see...the new chapter doesn't exist, and it's what you need.

so we get up and go, leave, get gone.

and once we get to where we're going- we wait.

...how can we expect any kind of new freedom or creation to develop if the only thing we've changed is our location? we can't. it may never have been a problem of where we were, but of what we did while we were there. and living isn't actually easy. sometimes we have to force ourselves into a routine or into a spirit in order to actually fall into it, and sometimes it comes naturally. it's not just how we got there, it's not that we got there; it is both of these things, and all of the others.

eventually though, if we finally stop moving and TRY to put our feet down, we'll walk out the front door one day and This will hit you like a ton of bricks:

you know exactly how this day is going to go; what's going to happen, who you're going to see...and you'll realize that you don't need to move, because you're standing in the middle of the new chapter you were waiting for.